PHILLY SQUASH

Squash, The NFL and American Idol

by Timothy Alexander

Now that I’ve been able to watch a number of squash matches that employ the No Let approach, I feel that I am more than qualified to pass judgment.  As a gentleman who is older (or, as I like to say, “distinguished”), I am now permitted  – after years of practice – to pass judgment on anyone and everything.  It is just one of the extremely few perks of being very, very close to the grave.

If one looks at the most successful sport’s business model of all time, one need only look to the NFL.  Yearly revenue in the billions of dollars.  Chiseled athletes and beautiful cheerleaders.  Lukewarm, tasteless beer (or, as I like to say, “Coors”) that costs upward of $12.  These people have it together.

Therefore it’s time, in my opinion, for squash to borrow (or, as I like to say, “steal”) the business plan of the NFL and start incorporating some of the moneymaking practices that will result in untold wealth for all.

My first suggestion is for squash to incorporate the use of the challenge flag.  In the NFL a head coach has a red flag that he keeps in his back pocket and at (almost) any time during the game, he gets to make a big show of tossing said flag to the ground.  This automatically kicks in a chain of events that begins with a referee watching a video monitor and ends with a ruling as to whether the play on the field stands or is overturned.

Let’s do this with squash.  Each player gets to carry with them one red flag.  Each player gets two challenges per match.

Here’s where it gets tricky.  Since there are no video replays in squash, I suggest the following:  after a player has tossed the flag to the court floor, they then have 15 seconds to make their case (or, as I like to say, “whine”).  They can whine about the unfairness of the call and of life in general, they can whine about how the referee was born out of wedlock, they can whine about taxes, they can whine about utility bills that come with a perforated lower-third but the perforation runs just 1/16^th of an inch above the fold in the paper so that when you go to tear off the part of the bill that has to be returned with your payment it’s never a clean break.

 At this point the spectators emulate American Idol (or, as I like to say, “crap”) and, via text, vote whether the call should be a let or a stroke.  If the player challenging the call gets the most votes, he or she wins the challenge and play continues.  If the player loses the challenge, he or she now needs to, as in American Idol, belt out a tune.  It can be rap, country & western, classical opera, whatever.  Even a Lady Gaga song (or, as I like to say, “mindless, soul-crushing, garbage”).  Whether the player carries a melody like Frank Sinatra or drops a melody like William Hung, it’s just bound to be entertaining.  Then it’s back to the match.

In my next article on how to improve our beloved sport, I’ll discuss another idea that I feel is grossly overdue:  beer squash.